Wish I Were Here
by icanbeperfectforyou
Summary: Sometimes Rachel likes to have a little fun. Maybe her fun is a little dangerous. But she's under stress, so it's okay. Right? What if she takes it too far? Finchel, former oneshot. Now multi-chap. T for adult themes. Based off of next to normal.
1. Chapter 1

The bright lights painted Rachel Berry's skin different colors. The pounding of her heart matched the loud thumping of the techno music. Her entire being tingled with excitement as she spun around. She noticed Finn, staring at her, arms folded over his chest.

He walked forward, gently grabbing Rachel's hand, slowing her twirls. "Rachel, I think it's time for us to go," he said softly.

"No way," Rachel replied. "The fun is just getting started." She pulled her hand away from him, beginning to dance again. She felt all the eyes on her, and it felt _fantastic._ Sure, it wasn't the type of stage she was used too, but she was definitely learning to love it.

"Don't you think three clubs is a little much for a Tuesday night-Wednesday morning?" asked Finn.

"Please," scoffed Rachel. "I am under _stress_. I didn't get accepted to NYADA, I have no plans whatsoever, while Kurt will get to go to a great college and become rich and famous while I'm nothing. I can't even deal."

"What happened to you?" Finn sighed. "Where's the girl I fell in love with?"

"Change happens. Embrace it," Rachel remarked. She reached into her purse, pulling out a water bottle and a tiny plastic container. Finn snatched it away from her.

"Hey!" protested Rachel. "I need that!"

"No, you don't," replied Finn. "Let's go home now."

The music changed, and Rachel's face lit up. "Come on, this is my favorite song!" She reached for the bottle. She managed to grab it. She popped a few random pills in her mouth, downing it all with a few gulps of water.

"They're all your favorite song-what are you on?" Finn said.

"Um, I don't know. One that's purple?" Rachel thought for a bit before answering.

"That's messed up," Finn shook his head.

"Whatever," replied Rachel, dancing again. She was the light and heat of every sun. She felt a kind of euphoria only matched by performing. In a way, she was performing. Electricity ran through her whole body. She felt the burn, but she didn't feel the pain.

_Ouch._ Now she felt pain, as her legs gave out and she collapsed. Finn rushed to her side, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"What happened?" he asked, all concerned. Rachel's train of thought was starting and stopping. She couldn't focus on one thing.

"I can't feel my legs!" she said giddily. "Love the 'tussin!" She slowly slipped away as the Robotussin kicked in.

* * *

><p>"Rachel. Rachel." a voice was saying. She slowly came back. Finn's face appeared.<p>

"What are you doing?" murmured Rachel. "I was having so much fun robotripping."

"Rachel, you almost overdosed. _Again._" his voice was filled with worry. "You almost got caught by your dads."

Rachel slowly looked around the room. "Whoa," she giggled. "when did we get in my bedroom?"

Finn sighed. "That doesn't matter. What matters is you have to stop doing this to yourself."

"Look, I'm like seventy percent less messed up now. You can go," Rachel said, anger beginning to kick in.

"Will you call me?" Finn asked worriedly.

"Just go," groaned Rachel. And he was gone.

Rachel knew she couldn't hide her stupid hunger for much longer. But she could at least try.


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel was ignoring Finn.

It was rude, she knew. But he kept _bugging _her! She did _not_ have an addiction. She was stressed! She could've stopped anytime she wanted to. But she didn't want to.

It wasn't just the rejection from NYADA. It was the fact that her biological mother was practically in the next room at school, and she didn't even bother to say hello. It was that she had finally found a best friend in Kurt, but he got Blaine to transfer and now they spent all their time together. It was that Santana was still horrible to her, even though Rachel supported her in coming out and Santana had practically preached anti-bullying last year to get Kurt back. It was that she was so _stupid_-why hadn't she thought of a back-up plan?

It was incredibly hard to ignore her boyfriend. It was even harder when she realized they were engaged now. She would arrive to class seconds before it started, and left immediately at the end. She sat across the room from Finn at glee club. She had even taken to carrying her books in a tote bag so she wouldn't have to go to her locker.

Still, she thought of him often. Did he miss her? He was probably better off without her. She had told him she was less messed up. That was true. She hadn't gone clubbing in a while, though she desperately wanted to. Well, maybe once or twice. The thought of Finn not being there to help her if she blacked out again, or if she overdosed-it was terrifying. She had kept popping a few pills, though, but it wasn't _that _much...

She was scrambling to her next class when she heard his voice. "Hey."

She took a deep breath and turned around. "Hey," she replied, not looking in Finn's eyes.

"I've missed you these days," Finn admitted. "I thought you might call. It's been weeks!" he sounded worried.

"I've been crazed," Rachel said quietly, looking around for an escape.

"Hey, hey," Finn said, bringing her attention back to him. "Have you been on the scene? 'Cause you look like a mess."

Rachel glanced down at her slightly wrinkled dress, the small scuff marks on her shiny black shoes. She did look like a mess, but he didn't have to point it out.

"Thanks, I guess," she said sarcastically, an out of character thing for her to say.

The sarcastic remark didn't get past Finn. He noticed she was different. He leaned forward, dropping his voice. "Are you clean?"

She snorted. "Nice of you to start caring _now,_" she said bitterly.

"I've been caring!" Finn protested. "Maybe I could actually do that if you would freaking talk to me every once in a while!" His voice was getting louder, people were starting to turn their heads.

"Finn, don't-don't do this to me..." Rachel whispered, looking down at the floor.

"Are we over? Don't say that we're over," Finn's voice was pleading.

"Don't you want us to be?" The bitterness, the sarcasm returned as Rachel's head snapped up.

"No, I want who I knew. She's somewhere in you," Finn said.

Rachel began to walk away, but Finn followed her. "Hey, look, I just miss you, and I love you, and it would just be cool if maybe you could call me later or something, and we could just talk, because we need to," Finn looked hopeful.

"Goodbye, Finn," Rachel said, and she turned on her heel and headed to class.

* * *

><p>It was all planned out so perfectly. She had her showtunes playing so her dads wouldn't get suspicious. She sat on her bed, her notepad in front of her. It was the note that was hardest. Crumpled papers lay all over. She had to remember to throw them away. There couldn't be any evidence.<p>

_Dear dads,_ one started. Then on the ground.

_Dear Finn,_ yet another one only said. Again on the ground.

She had managed to get the start to this one. _Dear everybody,_ it read. But what everybody needed to know was the problem.

She softly hummed along to whatever song was currently playing. It sounded like _Anything Goes_, but in the slight haze she was in, she couldn't tell.

Sure, she had written songs before, and it had been challenging, too. But this wasn't a song she was writing. It was so much more. She thought it would be simple. She thought it would be easy. She thought wrong.

She needed to write this, then she could execute her plan. It was rather simple, honestly. On her nightstand was a glass of water and a few bottles of pills. A razor sat next to it, if the pills didn't work.

This would've been so much easier if Finn hadn't stopped her in the hallway. She could've gone, peacefully, knowing nobody cared. Knowing that one person, at least, cared, was what was stopping her.

The song changed. "Let the Sunshine In" from _Hair._ Tears dripped onto her notepad. What was she _doing?_ She was stronger than this. She was Rachel Barbra Berry, and she was going to be a star, no matter what NYADA said!

She cleaned up her papers. She put her razor back in the bathroom, where it belonged. But there was one thing left.

She breathed in slowly, gently letting it out. Then she took the pills and flushed them away.

**A/N: I said this was a oneshot. I lied. Anyway, hi, hope you enjoyed this, I literally have no clue what to put here, so yeah. Please let me know how you felt about this and maybe give me some feedback and more ideas for the next chapter! Thanks! Bye!**


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